As the curtain rises on our verisimilidinous tableau, you're no doubt curious as to why I tricked you all into hang gliding here.
Close-up.
It seems someone in this room Is a murderer! It's me.
But the real question is, which of you is the victim? And that secret I shall take to my grave.
Calculon, no! Now, that's acting.
Calculon really shatnered the hell out of that scene.
Hey, anyone want to go to the aquarium? They got a new non-biting otter.
Sounds great! Non-biting otter! Wow.
Aquariums have really changed since I was a boy and no one ever took me to them.
Where's the glass? There isn't any.
The water's held in place by gravity fields, so there's nothing for kids to smear yogurt on.
I like strawberry yogurt.
Can I touch the water? I wouldn't, but I'm smart.
Help! Police! At.
Welcome To Jurassic tank.
Picture time.
Everybody get together.
Hang on, I need a tripod.
Let me just extend the old third leg.
Ooh, yeah.
That's stable, baby.
Just need to pick a lens.
L's see zoom lens? Nope.
They live lens? Eh, so-so.
Better get my camera ready.
Just take the damn picture! Let me just adjust the focus F-stop Shutter speed.
Oops.
Out of film.
Hang on.
Film? Who uses film? We've had digital cameras for a thousand years.
Digital? No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain of good old film.
How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras.
And where can you possibly get film developed nowadays? Right here.
You're looking at the last chemical darkroom in existence.
Hey, Bender, isn't that Calculon? Calculon? No way! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yo, Calky! I'm a big fan, and I've got a big camera.
Can I get a big picture? Well, I was just airbrushed this morning, so all right.
But make it snappy.
Eh, that looked staged.
Try one where you're pretending to swing a tennis racquet.
Okay, okay, that's enough.
I'm trying to enjoy a nice day out with the actors who play my TV family.
These rare and fascinating deep-sea fish are extremely sensitive to light over here, Calculon! Come on, smile! Quit blinking! Red eye! Blurry! Lens cap's still on! Oh, we finally eluded that obnoxious shutterbug.
At last, we can enjoy our studio-mandated quality time.
! I can't t work like this.
I'll be in my day-off trailer.
And I took this one inside the Ichthyosaur's stomach.
Man, I've never had anyone try so hard to digest me.
OK, we've all been in a sea monster's stomach.
But did you get any pictures of the Calculon? Yeah, but a true photo buff wouldn't even use these for toilet paper.
Not if curtains were available.
You're too hard on yourself, robot.
These pictures are just as good as the ones in my celebrity tabloid.
Us people magazine? That's total trash.
Total celebrity trash.
My inquiring organ wants to know.
If you ask me, Bender should go to us people's office in Hollywood and see if they'd like his Calculon pictures.
I have no time for such foolishness.
Well, I changed my mind and came to Hollywood after all.
Bender, these shots of Calculon e great.
In fact, you might just have what it takes to be a paparazzo.
Namely, a camera.
Shut up.
I know it.
Wait a whatsa-whatzo? A paparazzo.
You know, a celebrity photographer.
But it's not for everyone.
You'd have to wallow in Hollywood filth, loiter in dark alleys behind seedy nightclubs and get spat on by the beautiful people.
Hmm, I don't ow.
How much will it cost me? You misunderstand, Bender.
We'll pay you.
Sir, you just hired yourself a new whatsa-whatzo.
Listen up, gang.
I'd like to introduce you to Bender, the newest member of our paparazzo family.
Nice to meet you.
And even though it's only my first day, I want you all to know that I'm already better than you.
Stay out of my way! I'm back, crab dip.
What you watching? Only a documentary about the greatest actor in the world.
Ah, yes Calculon.
I happened to snap a picture of him taking some time with his biggest fan.
No, not that scene-chewing ham.
I said the greatest actor Langdon Cobb.
Let's rewind, shall we? Langdon Cobb The most acclaimed actor of his generation.
Why's he wearing a bag on his head? They're explaining that right n.
Let's rewind again.
Most acclaimed actor of his generation.
He's raked in seven academy awards for best actor and o for best actress, all without ever removing his trademark bag.
Mr.
Cobb, you're an intensely private man Quite right, mm-hmm.
And though billions of people have seen your wk, - no one has ever seen your face.
- Mm-hmm.
So tell us.
Why the bag? Ah, yes, the bag.
I've never understood people's fascination with that.
The point is, I'm an actor and nothing more.
I have no interest in being admired for something as inconsequential as my appearance or my personal life.
All that t matters is The process.
Whether playing a beloved historical figure For Rigel 7 And all mankind! Or a Victorian circus freak I want to see the real you.
No, Daisy, don't! I tried to warn you.
I'm hideous.
To me, you're beautiful.
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