The One Where It All Began (Pilot) There's nothing to tell.
It's just some guy I work with.
You're going out with the guy.
There has to be something wrong with him.
All right, Joey.
Be nice.
So does he have a hump and a hairpiece? Wait, does he eat chalk? I don't want her to go through what I did with Carl.
Okay, everybody relax.
This is not even a date.
It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Sounds like a date to me.
I'm in high school, in the cafeteria.
.
and I realize I'm totally naked.
I've had that dream.
Then I look down and I realize there is a phone.
.
there.
- Instead of - That's right! Never had that one.
All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
What do I do? Everyone starts looking at me.
They weren't looking at you before? Finally, I figure I'd better answer it.
And it turns out it's my mother.
Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.
Hi.
He says, "Hello," I want to kill myself.
You okay? I feel like someone pulled my intestine out of my mouth.
.
- and tied it around my neck.
- Cookie? Carol moved her stuff out today.
- Let me get you some coffee.
- Thanks.
No, don't! Stop cleansing my aura.
- Just leave my aura alone, okay? - Fine, be murky.
- I'll be fine.
I hope she'll be happy.
- No, you don't.
No, I don't.
To hell with her.
She left me! You never knew she was a lesbian? No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know.
How should I know? Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
Did I say that out loud? I told Mom and Dad last night.
They took it pretty well.
Oh, really? So that hysterical phone call from a woman sobbing.
.
"I'll never have grandchildren," was what? A wrong number? Sorry.
Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now.
You're angry.
You're hurting.
Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints! Hey, you're single.
Have some hormones.
But I don't want to be single, okay? I just want to be married again.
And I just want a million dollars! - Rachel? - Oh, Monica! Thank God! I went to your building.
.
and a guy with a hammer said you'd be here, and you are.
- Can I get you some coffee? - Decaf.
Everybody, this is Rachel, a Lincoln High survivor.
This is everybody.
Chandler and Phoebe.
.
Joey.
Remember my brother, Ross? Sure! You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Well, it started about a half-hour before the wedding.
I was in the room with all the presents.
.
and I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
When all of a sudden Sweet 'N Low? I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry.
I got freaked out, and it hit me: How much Barry looks like Mr.
Potato Head.
I always knew he looked familiar, but.
.
I had to get out of there, and I started wondering.
.
"Why am I doing this," and "Who am I doing it for?" I didn't know where to go, and I know we've drifted apart.
.
but you're the only person I know here.
- Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
- I hoped that wouldn't be an issue.
I guess he bought her the pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
"Tuna or egg salad! Decide!" "I'll have whatever Christina's having.
" Daddy, I just I can't marry him.
I'm sorry.
I just don't love him.
Well, it matters to me! "If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.
" She should not be wearing those pants.
Push her down the stairs! Push her! Push her down the stairs! Come on, Daddy, listen! All my life, everyone's always told me, "You're a shoe!" "You're a shoe!" What if I don't want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse? Or a hat? No, I don't want you to buy me a hat! It's a metaphor, Daddy! You can see where he'd have trouble.
Look, Daddy, it's my life.
Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
I guess we've established she's staying with Monica.
Well, maybe that's my decision.
Maybe I don't need your money.
Wait! I said maybe! Just breathe.
That's it.
Try to think of nice, calm things.
Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens La la la something And noodles with string I'm all better now.
I helped.
This is probably for the best.
Independence.
Controlling your life.
The whole hat thing.
You can always come to Joey.
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