1
Mum died three years ago.
She had a double mastectomy,
but never really recovered.
So why do you think your father
suggested you come for counselling?
Because my mother died
and he can't talk about it.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Get your hands off my miscarriage!
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- What?
- Your baby.
- Oh.
So, there is a particular person
you're not having sex with?
He's not available.
I believe God meant for me
to love people as a father.
I'll go up to three.
No-one's asked me a
question in 45 minutes
So, what do you do?
You'll always be interesting
with your quirky cafe
and your dead best friend.
Celibacy is a lot less complicated
than romantic relationships.
But what if you meet someone you like?
I talk and drink and laugh
and give them Bibles
and hope they eventually leave me alone.
What if you meet someone you love?
We're not going to have sex.
I'd really like to be
your friend, though.
I'd like to be your friend too.
What makes you a normal person?
Well, I don't believe in God
I love it when he does that.
I don't know.
Just come out.
- I prefer the last one.
- Me too.
- It's a bit more subtle.
- Elegant, yeah.
- It's these bits, isn't it?
- Yep.
- Yep, last one, definitely.
- Yep.
Great.
- Really pleased with that!
- Yeah.
- Once it's nipped in there
- Oh, it'll be perfect.
His arms.
- Do you prefer weddings or funerals?
- Weddings.
His arms.
I think there's something
humbling about funerals.
Really?
Yeah, it's good to dwell
on the next life.
You really think there's a next life?
What do you believe? Worm food?
- Why?!
- Why what?
His neck.
Why would you believe in something
awful when you could
believe in something wonderful?
Don't make me an optimist,
you will ruin my life.
- Have you been to many funerals?
- A couple.
His neck.
And you've never felt them go somewhere?
No, they were already gone.
His beautiful neck.
What?
What?
You just said, "His beautiful neck".
No, I said that they'd already gone.
Okay.
Weird.
Oh, right, so
This might be your idea of hell
but I think it's kind of special.
His beautiful neck.
Quaker meeting.
You're not allowed to speak.
If the Spirit moves you to speak,
you have to stand up
and share it with everyone.
It's very intense.
It's very quiet.
It's very, very
erotic.
Oh.
I think
I'm going to go home in November.
I think.
What's he thinking?
What's he thinking?
I don't really think it's
I'm not really feeling the
I don't think it's really
affecting me
Oh, my
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
What am I going to say?
What am I going to say?
I sometimes worry
that I wouldn't be such a feminist
if I had bigger tits.
[HE CHUCKLES]
- Well, it's good you felt something.
- Is it?
Something moved you.
I'm not sure I needed to me
moved to discover that about myself.
What were you thinking?
I was thinking about how peaceful
I felt and then for some reason,
I was thinking about your tits,
which kind of ruined it.
- Oh, my tits ruined your peace?
- Yeah.
You could say that.
[THEY LAUGH]
- I should probably open the cafe
- I've got a confession actually
- Oh, can I see it?
- Uh
Oh, yeah
It's a bit
What?
- It's a bit
- What
the fuck?
[HE LAUGHS]
Hello.
Oh, you gorgeous little thing.
[GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS]
Can I ask, um,
why so many guinea pigs?
Oh, um
I just, um
This is an excellent one.
I just thought it'd be
a unique selling point.
Yeah.
Which came first, the guinea pig
or the guinea pig cafe?
That is a big, old question.
Fair enough.
What do guinea pigs do?
They are born, they shit themselves
with fear and then they die.
[HE LAUGHS]
Can I use that at the wedding?
Seriously, I need material.
Tell me about your stepmother-to-be.
Any What's she like?
Oh, she's, um
- she's from Exeter.
- Mm.
Okay, thank you, that's very helpful.
- How did she meet your dad?
- Through my mother.
Right.
She was my mother's
student at one point.
- Do your parents get on?
- No.
- Were you close to your mum?
- Yeah.
You?
Not really.
- How come?
- So, that must've been a bit weird?
I don't really think about it.
[GUINEA PIG SQUEAKS]
- So, you run No, no.
- Do you go back a lot to
Do you run this place on your own?
- No, I opened it with a friend.
- Oh, cool, right.
- So, you run it together?
- No, she's
she, uh
She what?
What?
- What?
- She she what?
She
[THEY LAUGH]
He's a bit annoying actually.
What is that?
What?
That thing that you're doing.
It's like you disappear.
- What?
- What are you not telling me?
Nothing!
Tell me what going on underneath there.
- Nothing!
- Tell me, come on!
- No!
- You can tell me.
- Nothing! Nothing!
- Argh! What are you doing?!
- Stop being so churchy.
- I'm not being churchy.
- I'm just trying to get to know you.
- Well, I don't want that.
Listen, I'm just trying to help you.
What?
No.
No, I didn't mean
Oh, I know what you mean, Father.
Thank you so much for your guidance.
Come on, I didn't mean
I really should get back to work.
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