1
[HEAVY BREATHING]
You know that feeling when a guy
you like sends you a text
at two o'clock on a Tuesday night
asking if he can come and find you,
and you've accidentally made it out
like you've just got in yourself,
so you have to get out of bed,
drink wine, get in the shower,
shave everything, dig out some
Agent Provocateur business -
suspender belt, the whole bit -
and wait by the door
until the buzzer goes?
[BUZZER]
And then you open the door to him,
like you've almost forgotten
he's coming over.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
And then you get to it immediately.
[SHE PANTS]
After some pretty standard bouncing,
you realise
he's edging towards your arsehole.
But you're drunk
and he made the effort to come
all the way here,
so you let him.
He's thrilled.
I'm so thrilled.
And then the next morning,
you wake to find him
fully dressed, sat on the side of
the bed, gazing at you.
- He says that
- Last night was incredible.
Which you think is an overstatement,
but then he goes on to say that
It was
particularly special because
I've never managed to actually
up the bum with anyone before.
To be fair, he does have
a large penis.
And although it's always been
a fantasy of mine, I've
never found anyone
I could do it with.
And then he touches your hair
and thanks you with
a genuine, earnest
Thank you.
It's sort of moving.
Then he kisses you gently.
And then he leaves.
[DOOR CLOSES]
And you spend the rest of the day
wondering
Do I have a massive arsehole?
[BELL RINGS]
Wow! Er this doesn't happen
very often, does it?
No.
I su
I suppose it's
It's quite rare, yeah.
I hate myself.
Er, are you going to work?
- Oh, no, actually
- OK, er, this is going to sound crazy
but I think that I should
take your number
and I think I should call it,
and I think I should ask you if you
want to go out for a drink with me.
Er
Fuck me!
You've got a boyfriend?
Er, no, er
No, we broke up quite recently,
actually.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry/really pleased.
Er
How the hell did he manage to fuck
that up?
'Power rarely gives up
without a fight
'.
.
particularly in places where
there are divisions of tribe,
'divisions of sect.
'We also know that populism can
take dangerous turns.
'And there will be difficult days
along the way.
'From the extremism of those who
would use democracy
'to deny minority rights
to the nationalism that left'
- What are you doing?
- Nothing!
Harry!
- I know what you were doing.
- I was watching the news.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
What was he talking about, then?
- What?
- Please, I just need to hear this.
What was he talking about?
Iraq.
Don't say anything.
And please don't stop me leaving.
- Please don't!
- OK.
Don't!
Look, I've really tried to be there
for you through this.
You can't say I haven't tried.
Don't say anything.
And please don't contact me
or turn up at my house drunk in your
underwear.
It won't work this time.
It will.
I'm taking that posh shampoo.
He was talking about democ
Oh, he was just
really kind and supportive
with my work.
He'd cook all the time,
run baths, hoover.
He'd laugh at all of my jokes.
He was really great with my family,
my friends loved him.
Plus, he was really
fucking affectionate.
[HE CHUCKLES]
- Sounds like a dickhead.
- Yeah.
So, was that, like, "You CAN have my
number," or? What are we?
Yes.
Yeah, I guess that's a yes.
Oh, my gosh.
Great.
Er
OK.
Put that in there.
And I'll be sure to treat you
like a nasty little bitch.
- Er, that was a joke.
- Oh, no, I know.
- I know!
- OK.
I was, like, "Oh!"
OK.
Great, wow! Er
I'll buzz you, then?
- OK.
- OK.
OK.
I can't stop smiling.
Sorry, I
It's OK.
I'll go.
[SHE BREATHES HEAVILY]
Thank you for coming in today.
We really appreciate you
considering us
for your small business
start-up loan.
No problem.
I've read your application form.
- Thank you.
- It was
- funny.
- Oh.
OK, that wasn't my intention, but
As you are probably aware,
we haven't had the opportunity
to support many -
any - women-led businesses
since the
Sexual harassment case.
The sexual harassment case.
Yes.
- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
I just, er
I ran from the station,
so I'm just a bit hot.
- I'm really excited about
- Water?
No, thanks.
I'm fine.
Actually, yeah, water would be
great.
If I could
Sure.
There are a couple of details
that we need to iron out,
and one or two bits and pieces I'm
going to need to see some more on.
It says in here
that you opened a business
with your partner
OK.
I'm sorry, that kind of thing won't
get you very far here any more.
Oh, no, sorry.
I thought I had
a top on underneath.
- Yeah, OK.
- No, seriously.
In this case, genuine accident.
I can see, given our history,
why you might think
No! Seriously, I wasn't trying to.
I was hot.
I take this kind of thing
very seriously.
I'm not trying to shag you!
Look at yourself!
OK.
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